Undertakers Day
by Certified Agents
Summary: When Sara had Taker run an errand to Wal-Mart for her, chaos erupts. Includes Taker, Kane, Rob, the DA's Benoit, Martha Stewart, Triple H, and many others! Please R&R!


This was mostly Phoenix's work, so big credit to her.  
  
Hope nothing in here offends anybody, it's only for a few laughs- and the occasional hiccup.  
  
Blah, blah, we own nothing, Go figure.  
  
~**~**~  
  
6:00 am. The Evil Homer Simpson digital alarm clock went off. "Mmm... blood bars..." The Undertaker awoke with a few reluctant growls before kissing Sara on the cheek and getting up.  
  
Showers were always fun. He loved the searing pain running through his nerves as the lava flowed from the lava-resistant shower-head. Sometimes he would keep turning up the heat of the lava, to see how much he could withstand.  
  
But not today, for it was Saturday, the only day of the week he dreaded. Every Saturday, Sara had a 'Honey- do list' which always turned out to be some life-threatening quest that made him want to take his own life. But that meant giving up the Throne of Blood to one of his siblings. *And that would suck,* he thought.  
  
He squeezed some toothpaste onto his toothbrush. Last Saturday it was retrieving the Hope Diamond during which his ass caught fire because Kane wouldn't stop playing with matches. Secretly, he hoped she would give him the day off; but no. That wouldn't be Sara.  
  
As he passed Sara's slumbering feature, he dwelled more upon her. He loved Sara; that's why he married her. She was everything he dreamed: beautiful face, luscious body, brunette, intelligent, and of course- cruel. He liked that, her cruel ways, watching the weekly firing squad with lust; and forcing pinheads to be pincushions while sewing- for him. The only thing he didn't like was that damn list.  
  
Undertaker found himself sitting at the Royal Table, staring at his breakfast. At least it was his favorite: scrambled brains, human bacon, gut- chex drenched in blood, and toast with liver jelly. He wolfed it down and headed for the Throne Room.  
  
On his way, he met face to face with- the Vending Machine. It glowed like Jesus on Easter, the glorious sugar-induced contents just waiting to be eaten. He stared, hose pressed to the glass in sheer awe at the a small purple package. Willie Wanka's smiling face stared back. The white wands at the top sparkled like a crystalline cavern. He read them again and again and again. Drool dripped from is mouth as he said their sacred name aloud. "...Oompas..." he reached into his pockets and bought ten before continuing on his way to the Throne Room.  
  
He opened the Great Doors of Blood and sat on the Great Throne of Blood. All of Hell lie before him. Shaking in fear, all demons, monsters, nightmare beings, and so forth bowed in his very wake. Except for that one guy. The heckler in the back. Everyday he stood silently in the back, holding up a single white sign- "Satan was better". And everyday, Undertaker would light him on fire and feed his remains to the piranhas. How Taker did enjoy his job.  
  
Taker's siblings- Shaniqua, Ozzy Osborn, Rico, Molly, RVD, Billy Gunn, Satan, and Kane (although everybody knew he was adopted) sat nearby. His mother Jazz was also there, with his Uncles Jerry Lawler and Lucifer, and Aunt Princess Diana. He ripped open a pack of Oompas and stuffed a couple in his mouth, savoring their exotic, fruity taste.  
  
Just then, Sara strode in, wearing a lovely blood red dress and the Hope Diamond. Molly snickered quietly at Rico, who was beat red with jealously. Sara stopped in the center of the room. *Here it comes- the 'Honey- do list'.* Taker thought sadly.  
  
Sara took a deep breath and began. "This is Saturday, the day my Hubby does something nice of my choosing for me. Today, he will..." she stepped closer to Taker and whispered in his ear.  
  
"NO! Absolutely not!" he protested, followed by a strain of profanities. Sara was cruel, but this was totally uncalled for by any mean of man. Soon, his stubborn protests reduced to pitiful whining. "But... that's unfair! I no want buy tampons..."  
  
Sara's face was stern. "Your whining has earned you the privilege of taking Rob, Rico, Kane, and Satan with you." The four mentioned stared silently in shock at the queen of Hell. Slowly they began to protest, each for their own reasons.  
  
"Good luck, Taker." Sara kissed him gently. "The brand I like is at Wal- Mart."  
  
"Wal-Mart," began Kane. "But that place is evil! The security comes whenever Rob and Satan and I set fire to the tennis balls and use the D-cup bras as slingshots when we play Bra Wars!"  
  
"And the girls always beat me up when I try on satin thongs!" yelled Rico.  
  
"They don't have any pot for sale." protested Rob, inhaling deep on his joint.  
  
"Nobody likes me. I'm ugly." whimpered Satan. And for good reason- he was a five foot six, scrawny, red skinned, nerdy idiot with bottle glasses and horns you could barely see over his mullet. And the pocket protector didn't help much on the overall 'devil' look.  
  
"Fine, so don't!" Taker yelled at them all.  
  
"Don't what?" asked Kane.  
  
"Jesus Christ you dumb assed, sorry excuses for four of Hell's princes! You dumb, fucking retards! Don't do what you've been raised for! Be civil!"  
  
"Okay..." a stoned Rob said, looking scared. There was an eerie silence until Rob smacked Satan.  
  
"Okay!" Kane, Rico, and Satan replied at once.  
  
The silence returned, until Rob suddenly screamed "THE PINK DUST BUNNIES ARE GONNA EAT ME!" before running off.  
  
"This is gonna be a long day." Taker muttered.  
  
~**~**~  
  
Taker sped down Main Street in Cincinnati, Ohio on his best 'blue with orange fire' Harley Davidson. The others were riding old World War II mopeds with side cars and looked as if they're about to fall apart. Lucifer rode in Kane's side car, who was wearing bomber-goggles with a happy-go- lucky grin. Rob, on the other hand, had one of those Chinese bicycles and kept ringing a cowbell that was attached.  
  
They slowed to a stop at a red light and Rob began to fall- right towards Taker. Taker, in anger, punched Rob off the bicycle. Rob Five-Star-Frog- Splashed the Wal-Mart Building.  
  
"Oh, good! You found it Rob!" exclaimed Rico, from Satan's side car. Lucifer jumped in from his side car and began to maul him.  
  
A minute later, they arrived- in the Handicap section. "Hey, a passerby yelled. "That's for handicapped people ONLY!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"Taker! I wanna ride the carousel! Pu-leeze???" Kane was groping a pink carousel horse.  
  
Lightning and thunder suddenly surrounded Taker, giving him an eerie look that made the passerby piss his pants. "HOW DARE YOU HAVE FUN AT WAL- MARK!?!" he yelled at Kane.  
  
The passerby began pointing frantically at Taker. "Spawn of Satan!"  
  
"Huh?" Satan asked.  
  
"Never mind, dimwit." Taker sighed.  
  
Kane hadn't heard Taker, and climbed on the moving carousel (he found a quarter in his pocket!), but very quickly fell off.  
  
"Dumb ass." Lucifer muttered as he walked past Kane and entered the building. The others followed. Kane, Rob and Satan dashed off to the toy section and Rico went to try on clothes, which left poor Taker alone and terrified, except for Lucifer, who had climbed onto Taker's shoulder. He walked down a few aisles in confusion.  
  
People were everywhere- in all shapes and sizes. Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice shout, "Damn it! They don't have any beef flavored Yummy Noodles!" Rob's daughter, Phoenix (one of the Divine Authors) was throwing a tantrum a few yards away.  
  
"Good evening, Phoenix."  
  
Phoenix was beautiful and sophisticated, quite unlike her father. She had short, dark brown hair, a figure that her Aunt Shaniqua also possessed, and seductive eyes that seemed to always pout. When she spoke, her voice was soft, relaxed, and matched her usual kind-hearted personality; until she was angry, then she was more like Taker with the 'whatever, I hate life' personality.  
  
"Fancy seeing you here, Uncle Taker!" she hugged him. He knew she saw him more as a 'Dad' figure than Rob, so their bond was deep. "So, what has Aunt Sara sent you to do today?"  
  
"Tampons, she wants me to buy tampons! I was wondering if you could help me."  
  
~**~**~  
  
The flaming tennis ball missed Rob by inches. Satan was already out, having been shot by both Kane and Rob at the same time, one in the face and one in his crotch. Now he was watching for security.  
  
Rob has one D-cut and flaming tennis ball left. His tricycle could only go so fast. He had to make this shot count. He waited for the precise moment, then shot- as the blue lace bra burst into flames. Cool. Kane was knocked off his tricycle that was way to small for him.  
  
Kane lay there for a moment, then arose to a sitting position in his usual manner. He pointed a finger at Rob and said, "I challenge you to a toy store terror!" before getting to his feet.  
  
"It's cool. Because everything's cool when you R-V-" Kane quickly clothes lined Rob, who went sailing to the floor, finishing his thumb thingy in the process.  
  
"Guys! It's the security!" Satan wailed. They didn't hear him. Kane threw Rob (who was already in bad shape from the pot) into a wall lined with Barbie dolls. A new one was on sale: Burqua Barbie with Jihad Ken! Unfortunately, the entire wall came down, domino-ing with several other walls.  
  
"Cool." Rob said from the floor, watching everything upside down before passing out.  
  
"Hey, let me go!" Satan yelled, being carried away by Wal-Mart Security. "Kane! Rob! Help!"  
  
"Whaddaya think we should do 'bout it?"  
  
Kane looked at the floor. "I thought you passed out."  
  
"Lack uh pot." Rob got to his feet. "Ya know, Taker would be angry if he found out you lost him."  
  
"I lost him?? What about you?"  
  
"Passed out."  
  
"Dumb excuse."  
  
"Hey, it's cool."  
  
"Losing Satan is cool? Who are you going to beat up on now?"  
  
"Rico."  
  
"But, he's gay."  
  
"Point Taken. Losing Satan uncool."  
  
"Well, come on. They went that way." Kane pointed.  
  
"Do you think he's... jail?"  
  
"Of course the dweeb is going to jail!" Cerrita, the other Divine Author. She was the best friend of Phoenix, and daughter of Robin and Bat Woman, which meant her brothers were Hurricane and Rosey.  
  
She looked sour at the moment, like Benoit normally did. The similarities between the two were uncanny. Just like Phoenix, she was beautiful and sophisticated, although Phoenix was a general 'lover of life', Cerrita didn't care. She only had three things on her mind at any given moment- Benoit, Phoenix, and the DA's collaborative work 'God Knows'.  
  
"I'm looking for Phoenix, have you seen her?"  
  
"No." both Kane and Rob said.  
  
"Okay, by." She walked off.  
  
They looked at each other just as Benoit came skidding around the corner Cerrita had appeared from. "Have you seen Cerrita?" he asked breathlessly.  
  
"Yeah." Kane said, unenthused.  
  
"Where? This clue says I need to find her for a special surprise!" Rob pointed in the direction Cerrita went. "Thanks!" he said before running off.  
  
"Rob and Kane took two steps and were bumped into by Jericho. "Hey, Assclowns, have you two seen Benoit?"  
  
Kane looked at Rob, who nodded and gave him the thumbs-up. Kane gave Jericho a choke slam onto the fabric cutting table, which broke under his weight.  
  
Then they both headed off to the nearest jail.  
  
~**~**~  
  
Rico watched from a distance as Hurricane was forcing Rosey to pick out a new attire. Only Kruel Kevin {Nash} was picking them out. Hurricane was holding up a jumpsuit that looked like it belonged to Wonder Woman.  
  
*Good taste.* Rico thought. Rosey shook his head and Hurricane placed the jumpsuit close to Rico's hiding spot. Rico quickly grabbed it and sprinted down the aisles....  
  
~**~**~  
  
"Holy shit of Jesus! Wal-Mart really does suck!" Taker hollered. He and Phoenix had arrived at the 'feminine care' section, only to discover that there were no more tampons to buy.  
  
A woman with a cart filled with assorted stuff walked by, and they looked inside. Nudged between a box of Cheerio's and JR's steak sauce was a pack of Always Tampons.  
  
"On the count of three, lets get it." Phoenix whispered.  
  
"I can't, due to Cheerio-phobia."  
  
"Fine. I will get it, you baby. One... two..." Phoenix jumped forward, and met with the woman's foot in her stomach, falling to the ground.  
  
The woman quickly took off with the cart. Phoenix rebounded and the two followed. The woman stopped at a sample stand. Martha Stewart was selling and giving samples of Evolution Grain Bars. Triple H was standing by her, looking bored to Hell, except every once in a while when Martha would hand on his arm, in which case he looked as if he were about to puke.  
  
"Phoenix, Taker, you've got to help me!" Triple H cried.  
  
"You're on your own, retard." Phoenix retorted. She reached into the cart slowly. Almost, she... Yes! She got it! She had the tampons!  
  
Taker suddenly let out a blood curdling scream. "AHH! HAPPY FACE ON MY BACK!!! GET IT OFF!!!" When he wasn't looking, a Wal-Mart employee had walked by and stuck a smiley pin right between Taker's shoulder blades, which he couldn't reach.  
  
Before Phoenix could help Taker, she was someone come out of the sock aisle. It was Fol- I mean God. "That smiley will stay with you forever." God said ominously.  
  
"God, why are you here?" Phoenix asked. Behind her, Taker began to whimper and cry. He gave a high pitched scream as Martha tried to comfort him.  
  
"Socko Conclave. When a Socko dies, a new one must be elected. This is the winner." God held up a white sock with pink ruffles at the top.  
  
"Right..." Phoenix said sarcastically. "This isn't just a rip-off of THE Conclave, 'Pope Election', is it?"  
  
God shrugged his shoulder. "Maybe. Well, I have to show the new Socko it's new living quarters, so bye." He vanished.  
  
Phoenix turned and bitch -slapped Martha Stewart. She landed in Triple H's arms. "My hero!" Martha exclaimed, and kissed him. Triple H glared at Phoenix, who shrugged.  
  
Gasping, Taker said, "Where's Rico, Kane, Rob, and Satan?"  
  
"Here!" Rico said, wearing the jumpsuit Hurricane had chosen for Rosey. He did a little twirl to show it off.  
  
"Okay, Phoenix was unimpressed. "Where's the other three?"  
  
~**~**~  
  
"Give us your name!" a female officer yelled. She looked a lot like a cross between Chyna and Cher.  
  
Satan was being interrogated by her, crying and whimpering. "M-my name I-is S-Satan."  
  
"Bull SHIT!" she slammed her fist down on the table in the center of the pure white room.  
  
"B-but if S-Satan is n-not m-m-my n-name, then I-I don't-t know w-what i- is."  
  
"I'm getting sick and tired of your shit. Tell me! NOW!"  
  
"I- Snow White!"  
  
Chyna/Cher sighed and began to bang her head on the table. "Why... me.?"  
  
"It's not my fault! I didn't do it!" Satan's mullet bounced. "Rob and Kane were playing Bra Wars, and I was-"  
  
"You were what?" Chyna/Cher said menacingly.  
  
"Watching for security." His voice was small.  
  
She sighed again. "That's it. I've had enough." She proceeded to throw him back in his secluded cell.  
  
~**~**~  
  
"We're his brothers! We've come to bail his scrawny red ass out!" Kane wailed.  
  
"Okay, enough playing around. Leave or I'll pop a bullet in your face." The officer said.  
  
Suddenly, a bright white light came from above. Jerry (Spanky), Janet (Stacy) and Jesus (Edge) Christ appeared. They wore sparkling halo's and white robes.  
  
Jesus said, "You must continue your quest What I saw reeks of total truthness. Here, takes these holy weapons." Jerry gave Rob a pair of chop sticks. Rob did his R-V-D thing with them.  
  
Kane patted Rob gently on the shoulder. "Good job, bro."  
  
"Thanks!" Rob laughed with a long snort at the end.  
  
Kane looked at the chop sticks, then at Jesus. "If you dare to give me something that mundane, I will unleash my rage upon you." A little ball of flame formed in his hands.  
  
"Then I bestow upon you his Holiness' special Flamethrower. Complete with grenade launcher and adjustable scope."  
  
"and I give you the ability not to be pansies." Janet kissed both their cheeks."  
  
The Christ's disappeared. Kane killed the shocked guards. All that was left was a puddle of blood.  
  
"Kane! I had 'em, I really did!" Rob whined, doing pointless Kung Fu moves with an imaginary opponent. He saw that Kane was moving on and followed him.  
  
They went through several rooms and finally they found Satan's cell.  
  
"Hey! I new you guys would come!"  
  
Kane broke the bars effortlessly. "Yeah, yeah, come on before I murder you."  
  
"Do you want a little puff, unicorn?"  
  
"Hell ya, I wahn uh puff." A six inch blue unicorn was talking to Rob with a hillbilly accent. Rob was holding out a joint for him. "Dude, yoo arr mah free-nd!"  
  
"Rob, why are you talking to a blue unicorn?" Satan asked.  
  
"Gee, I didn't know you could see 'em, too!"  
  
The unicorn spoke. "Ma name's Matty-Boo-Kizsk, but mah free-nds cahl meh Boo. I reckon you jus' saved mah ass! Hell, boy, can I go hom wit yoo?"  
  
"Yes!" Rob exclaimed. Boo hopped onto Rob's shoulder.  
  
Kane began to cry. "I wanna unicorn too!"  
  
Satan began crying as well. "Yeah, me too!"  
  
"Taker's gonna be pissed. We'd better get back." The four of them went back to Wal-Mart.  
  
~**~**~  
  
Phoenix and Cerrita were currently were laying the Smackdown! on the woman who 'supposedly' had the tampons first. Benoit was nearby commentating. His clothes were ruffled and his hair messed up, so he most likely got his special surprise.  
  
"... clothes line, not Cerrita whei the Frog Splash! Wow! I love it when she does that move, especially when we're... uh, yeah! Phoenix gives the bitch a power bomb! Yes! Cerrita gets the three count!" Earl Hebner had appeared from nowhere earlier to ref, and raised the DA's hands in victory.  
  
Kane, Rob and Satan appeared suddenly, with Kizsk still on Rob's shoulder.  
  
"Where the hell have you two been?" Taker ragged.  
  
"Toy section." Kane immediately said, looking mischievous.  
  
The woman jumped to her feet. "You may have gotten the tampons, but you won't get me! While nobody was looking, I hid a bomb somewhere in the building." Everyone gasped suddenly. "I have time to escape, but you all don't! See you in pieces!" she cackled as she vanished.  
  
"Man, Wal-Mart's gonna blow the joint! What do we do?" Rob asked.  
  
It was Phoenix who answered. "Cerrita and I cane safely vanish just about everybody including ourselves to safety. However, we don't have enough, uh, 'stuff' for you six."  
  
"Six?" Taker looked around and counted off- himself, Kane, Rob, Satan, Rico, and the unicorn. Lucifer had hopped to Phoenix's shoulder, obviously getting a free ride. "Okay. Good plan. Bye!" he said, and the DA's with everyone else vanished.  
  
The six were left to themselves. They sprinted to the exit, and just as their feet touched the outdoors, Wal-Mart exploded, throwing them forward.  
  
~**~**~  
  
Taker thought life was good again as he and the others entered the Hell's premises. He had Sara's tampons, everybody was okay, and the best of all, Satan didn't get lost! Arrested maybe...  
  
He found Sara in the Throne Room, waiting for him. "Here, I got them."  
  
Sara took the tampons from him. Before speaking, she rolled the box over and over in hers hands, inspecting it. She made several tsk sounds, making Taker gulp. "You have failed your Honey, Do List. I am disappointed."  
  
"What??? I got your what you wanted!"  
  
"True, but I use Tampax Pearl. These are Always! You will go back and get the RIGHT brand this very moment!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
You could hear Taker's scream even in Heaven. 


End file.
